Four images are the reason I'm here today. Still writing, still taking pictures, still searching.
In the summer of 2015 I left home for a different country...what I found was a different life. A world of brutal truths, indescribable beauty and unspeakable powers. A world I didn't know existed.
Everything was raw, unfiltered, unforgettable. This new world filled a gap in my soul I didn't realize was there. I had become comfortably numb from the tourniquet of a society consumed by selfishness and greed. I was lost and didn't know it.
On my first night on the side of Kili, I saw something I had never seen: a sky so bright, so vivid, so untouched. I reached for it. Begging it to take me up into it; away from this earth. Another world, better yet, a galaxy (an incomprehensible term to me) existed just out of my view and it was mesmerizing. The more I thought about how I was seeing distance in terms of time, the longer I laid underneath the best show I will ever know. The powerful lure of its beauty is something that has still not escaped me. I'm amazed that I can look up into the same sky and not see all that I know is there. The same is true of our lives: without perspective, we can look, yet we won't see what is truly there.
Later, I found the limits of my body over 3.5 miles above the earth as my lungs struggled to bring life to the muscles needed to propel me upward. It was there I found strength outside of biology. The comradery of individuals pushing themselves as hard as I pushed meant more to me than the air in my lungs. In a world not made for us we boldly marched under the light of infinite stars. I masked my fear of the unfamiliarity with jokes and smiles, but I knew I didn't belong here. At the top I allowed myself to be true and wept with joy. I didn't stand as a conqueror, but as a guest who had been blessed with all the things I needed to stand among the few. I left the top with a sense of reverence for a world that is much bigger than any of us and an appreciation for those who shared in my journey. They are few, but they are dear.
On the plains I saw death give way to life...an unbelievable moment where the life of one was given to another. I felt it passing through the antelope's empty lungs, up through her windpipe and out of her mouth in a pronounced final sigh. The air was quickly ripped up into the nostrils of the leopard. It brought much needed oxygen into her veins and traveled throughout her body giving her organs the vigor of life. It powered her clinched jaws and gave strength as she scrambled her meal into a nearby tree so that her chance of living into next week would increase ever so slightly.
In those quiet moments there was no reflection. No pause. No grief. It was simply life moving at a seemingly reckless pace. For the first time I realized my own insignificance and frailty. In a moment I'll be gone. Forgotten. Replaced. We attach so much to so little. How could we not? It's all we know...
The next day we found her cubs. The antelope was sacrificed for the chance at survival for this young growing family. Later that morning, after experiencing the joy and playfulness of new life, we watched another one likely come to an end. A young, male lion had lost its playful jubilee to an insatiable desire to make his mark in the world. Consumed by the drive to mate and find a home, this adolescent challenged the reigning kings and lost.
I saw the defeat in his eyes. His young life was at stake. He would never wear the coveted crown and no one grieved his tragic life. Blood oozed from his body as he quietly paced into the unknown. His great paws stirred the dust of the ones that had gone before him that he'd soon join. All that he'd achieved in life was for not. He wasn't as strong as he needed to be and his bloodline was ending. We shared a quiet moment as we gazed into each other's eyes. Both of us dying. Neither of us on top of the world that used to be our playground. The cruel moment expired and we each left on our separate ways never to see each other again.
This is the brutal truth that is often hidden from our world. We only see it via a screen which fails to bring the raw emotion of being a witness to the way life is and will forever be: An unfair, unexplainable system of motion that ends in a final sigh for us all. The earth takes everything back: our flesh and bones and possessions. They will all one day be dust and the dust will one day travel into the sky and become rain to give life to another in the great cycle of life.
This new reality gave me a purpose to take life's fleeting moments and fill them with fervor. To grow, have an impact and share it among many. To be still and let nature fill me with its awe and wonder.
Yet when I landed back in the States, the fast pace and noise swept me away like a river. The rapids poured water into my lungs and I was back in the fight for my life...the wrong fight. Fortunately, my path didn't end at the bottom of the river of society as so many of us do. Instead I was tossed out onto a beach. Lost and alone I was given a second chance. A chance to find meaning in my once considered infinite final moments.
Today I launched "The Crossroads" as my part of the bargain to live my life to the fullest. To share my journey with you. To be real, raw and unfiltered. I hope it touches another as my trip to Africa touched me. I hope with all of my strength this phase of my journey is the beginning of something great: to live for my passion and not the passion of another.
It's always tempting to return to what you know. To wear a veil of blissful ignorance. To meet the expectations of others. To succumb to the comforts of familiar habits. Living my passion seemed easy until I tried it. Now I can honestly say it's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. But this style of living has provided more beauty, more zeal than I've ever known. I can only hope it's permanent as I struggle in the pursuit of my passion.
